


Guy Talk

by Kantayra of Yore (Kantayra)



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: Excessive Profanity, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-24
Updated: 2005-10-24
Packaged: 2017-10-19 03:08:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra%20of%20Yore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dick wants to get laid. Logan just wants to play video games. And Beaver wants everyone to stop telling him to shut up. Pre-Lilly's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guy Talk

**Author's Note:**

> So, uh, yes. This fic is well and truly pointless. And I seriously mean that. It's basically just Dick, Logan, and Beaver sitting in a room, saying 'fuck' a lot. Seriously. o.O But, still, it amuses me.

“Fuck!”

“Hey!” Logan exclaimed in protest as Dick collapsed onto the bed behind him, knocking his arm and the game controller in it. Red blood flared across the TV screen in front of him. “Dude, I had a perfect score!” In a fit pique, he threw the controller at Dick’s head.

“Knock it off, dude!” Dick complained, shoving at Logan’s back. “It’s my fucking bed.”

“Yeah, well you’re supposed to be fucking gone, fucking Madison Sinclair,” Logan grumbled, picking up the controller again grudgingly.

“What happened to your date?” Beaver chimed in from the armchair, where he’d been watching Logan play.

“Shut up, Beaver,” Dick grumbled.

Logan laughed. “Dude, she dumped you again?”

“Shut _up_!” Dick exclaimed.

“Sorry, man,” Beaver offered quietly.

“What part of ‘shut the fuck up’ do you not understand?” Dick scowled at him.

“Dude, you didn’t even _say_ ‘shut the fuck up’,” Logan pointed out, clicking madly away at punches and kicks once more. “You just said ‘shut up’.”

“What are you, the fucking grammar police?”

“No, I’m just telling you you’re a fucking idiot,” Logan rolled his eyes.

“What? Just because Madison fucking Sinclair dumped me?” Dick demanded.

“Because you’re a fucking idiot,” Logan clarified.

Beaver waited for the explosion. But, oddly enough, that comment seemed to mollify his brother. Hell, if he knew why.

Dick let out an exasperated groan and pressed the palms of his hands over his eyes. “Why can’t I get fucking laid?” he demanded of the universe.

“You _did_ …” Beaver began hesitantly.

“Fucking sluts don’t fucking count,” Dick hissed.

“It’s because you’re a fucking idiot,” Logan reminded him, chiming in as he passed the next level.

“My own fucking girlfriend won’t let me fuck her,” Dick sighed. “What the fuck is that?”

“Ex-girlfriend,” Beaver reminded him.

“Shut the fuck _up_ , Beaver!”

“It’s because Madison’s fucking frigid,” Logan offered helpfully, ignoring the two of them as they scuffled for a moment behind him.

“Ow!” Beaver complained when Dick managed to smack him upside the head. He retreated safely back to his chair with a scowl.

“Oh, yeah, you get to talk,” Dick’s attention had already turned back to Logan. “Just because your girlfriend’s a fucking nympho.”

Logan’s tone turned dark. “Dude, you did _not_ just say that…”

“Sorry, sorry,” Dick quickly amended. “But it’s not fucking fair! Goddamn fucking bitchy fucking _Madison_!”

“And you wonder why you never get laid…” Logan’s eyes turned heavenwards.

“What the fuck is _that_ supposed to fucking mean?”

“It means you fucking can’t fucking say fucking anything that’s not fucking ‘fucking’,” Logan mocked him.

“Fuck you.”

“I rest my case.”

“Dude, why are you even _here_? Go fuck your fucking girlfriend,” Dick ordered bitterly.

“Can’t,” Logan offered absentmindedly as he chased down a power crystal. “Girls’ night out.”

“What does that even mean?” Beaver asked curiously. “Is that, like, a pajama party?”

“Lilly Kane-on-Veronica Mars action,” Dick sighed wistfully. “Man, I’d kill to watch that.”

Logan rolled his eyes. “All they fucking do is paint their nails and talk about guys,” he informed them.

“Dude, don’t shatter my dreams,” Dick protested.

“What, your own girlfriend—”

“ _Ex_ -girlfriend,” Beaver chimed in.

“—won’t put out so you get to perv on Duncan and my girlfriends?” Logan finished skeptically. “No fucking way.”

“You’d do the same fucking thing, if you weren’t dating Lilly fucking Kane,” Dick insisted.

“No,” Logan corrected, “I’d actually get myself fucking laid so I wouldn’t have to.”

“Oh, yeah?” Dick retorted. “And why is it that you can get fucking laid and I can’t?”

“Because you’re fucking idiot,” Logan reminded him. “Dude, how many times to I have to repeat myself?”

Dick studied him with narrowed eyes. _He_ sure as fuck couldn’t see any reason why Logan had never had any trouble getting chicks to put out. The universe was just fucking unfair, and that was it. With a sigh and a whine, Dick collapsed back onto the bed once more. “Fuck. I’m white, rich, hot, and I need to get fucking laid. What is _wrong_ with chicks?”

Logan just snorted at that.

Beaver fought not to smile too.

One guess which one Dick got pissed at.

“Shut the fuck _up_ , Beaver!” He chucked a pillow at his brother.

“Dude!” Logan complained. “We’re not having a fucking pajama party just because you can’t get laid.”

“Fucking couldn’t even get _into_ a fucking pajama party,” Dick grumbled to himself.

“This isn’t a fucking pity party, either.”

“Oh, thanks a lot,” Dick glared at him. “Because heaven forbid you actually help a fucking friend out.”

“Dude, just jack the fuck off and leave me alone.” Logan kicked at him half-heartedly, trying to knock him off the bed and over into the bathroom.

“Shut _up_!” Dick groused, scooting away from Logan. “Just because your girlfriend’s busy…”

“Oh, so now _I’m_ the one who’s pissy ‘cause he can’t get laid?” Logan asked in disbelief.

“Shut up,” Dick grumbled under his breath, but it was an apologetic grumble like he realized how ridiculous he was being.

“At least you _had_ a girlfriend,” Beaver mumbled under his breath when no one had spoken for a few minutes, the only other sound in the room that of Logan’s frantic fingers on the buttons and painful blows on the TV screen.

“For all the fucking good it did me,” Dick whined.

“You’re so lame, man,” Logan just shook his head.

“Fuck, I wish there was a party tonight,” Dick sighed. “Then I could pick up some desperate freshman chick.”

“Yeah, ‘cause that worked sooo well last time,” Logan laughed.

Dick punched him in the back. “Shut _up_!”

“Dude! You made me lose the crystal!” Logan complained, scrambling to retrieve it.

“Boo-fucking-hoo,” Dick countered. “And that wasn’t my fucking fault, anyway.”

“You hit me, dude. Beav saw it. Right, Beav?”

“Right.”

“I mean with…” Dick paused and frowned. “Whatever her name was. She was fucking frigid.”

Logan laughed. “Dude, she gave me a lap-dance.”

“And Lilly wouldn’t talk to you for a week,” Beaver reminded him.

“Shut the fuck up, Beav,” Dick punched him in the arm. “And just _why_ was I not lap-dance-worthy, as well?” he wondered wistfully.

“You tried to stick your hand up her skirt,” Logan reminded him, eyes turning intense as he entered the boss battle.

“How the fuck am I supposed to fuck her if she’s fucking frigid?” Dick demanded.

He got no response from Logan, whose attention was riveted on the TV screen.

“Dude!” Dick jabbed him in the back with his toe.

“Knock it off, man!” Logan batted at his foot, before instantly returning his attention to the game.

“Dude…” Dick whined.

“He’s trying to play, Dick,” Beaver chimed in.

“Shut the fuck up, Beav.”

“Can you _both_ shut the fuck up?” Logan demanded angrily. Lucky thing he still had an extra healing potion…

“Dude, I’m trying to get laid,” Dick pointed out. “It’s more important than your fucking game.”

“To you,” Logan retorted.

“I mean, c’mon!” Dick exclaimed. “What the fuck is wrong with chicks? I mean, _you’d_ fuck me, right?”

“What the _fuck_?” Logan screeched, leaping off the bed in sudden alarm. “Fuck!”

“Dude, not like that!” Dick’s eyes widened in alarm. “I totally did _not_ mean it like that!”

“Fuck, you didn’t,” Beaver laughed.

“Will you _shut the fuck up_?!” Dick’s face flamed bright red. He looked back at Logan placatingly. “Dude, you _know_ I’m not a fag, dude.”

“Whatever.” Logan sat down on the floor next to Beaver’s chair and gave Dick one last suspicious look before returning to his game.

“Fuck…” Dick sighed and stared up at the white ceiling. “My life fucking sucks.”

“Whatever, dude,” Logan grumbled.

“’Cause Madison won’t suck,” Beaver joked.

“Shut _up_!” Dick considered that for a moment, though. “Bitch wouldn’t even fucking go down on me. What the fuck is _with_ that, anyway?”

Logan didn’t answer.

“Oh, come _on_ , dude! It was a joke.”

“What-fucking-ever.”

“Come _oooon_!” Dick wheedled him.

“What the fuck do you even _want_ , dude?”

“Why the fuck can’t I get Madison to blow me?”

“Because you’re a fucking idiot.”

“Like she fucking cares!”

“Dude, did you ever go down on her?”

“Fuck, no.”

“Well, there’s your answer, moron. Now, can I just play my game?”

“It’s _my_ Playstation, man,” Dick insisted.

“Yeah. ‘Cause you’re gonna kick me out.” Logan rolled his eyes.

“Then you couldn’t get him to fuck you,” Beaver teased.

Dick’s face turned bright red all over again. “I _told_ you to shut up about that!” He threw a punch at his brother, only for Beaver to dart suddenly across the room, half-tripping over Logan as he did so.

“Hey! Take it outside!” Logan complained. “This level is impossible enough already!”

“I’m gonna bash your head in, you little fuck!” Dick shouted out.

Beaver let out a girly-sounding yelp, and Logan glanced up for a second to see Dick catch him in a headlock.

“Boys! Keep it quiet in there!” shrieked Stepmom Number Logan-had-already-forgotten downstairs.

“Let me go!” Beaver whined.

And Dick shoved him away. “Not even fucking worth beating,” he mumbled to himself.

“Wow, you guys sure do know how to party,” Logan commented, all smug insincerity.

“Fuck you,” Dick retorted.

Logan shuddered, and Beaver laughed.

“Aww… Fuck!” Dick exclaimed, throwing his head back and falling back onto the bed. “I can’t fucking win.”

“That’s because you’re a fucking idiot.”

“Just because I won’t fucking go down on fucking Madison?”

“No, because you won’t fucking go down on fucking Madison, and you wonder why you can’t get laid,” Logan concluded.

“Fuck that shit. I never had to go down on chicks before.”

“That’s because they were always _drunk_ before,” Logan pointed out.

“Why the fuck should I go down on her, anyway?” Dick demanded. “The parts don’t even fucking _fit_.”

Logan snorted. “You’ve never even done it, have you?”

“Fuck, no.”

“Fucking lightweight.”

“Just because I know what a woman’s fucking place is?”

“No, because you’re a fucking idiot. And you’re never going to get laid.”

“What, you just suck pussy, and magically you get laid?” Dick retorted incredulously.

“What is this, girl talk? I told you: We’re not having a fucking pajama party,” Logan shot back.

“Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?” Dick demanded. “Madison won’t put out, and you’re still playing that fucking game.”

“Dude, I was playing the game before you even got here…”

“Who the fuck cares?”

Beaver, who seemed reassured that the embarrassing oral sex talk had stopped, ventured, “We were sort of busy—”

“Shut the fuck _up_!” Dick insisted.

“Fuck you,” Beaver grumbled under his breath.

“You would _want_ to suck fucking snatch,” Dick concluded. “Beaver sucking beaver. Would that be like masturbation?” He laughed at his own joke.

“Shut _up_!” Beaver exclaimed, mortified.

Logan let out a whoop of excitement as the boss finally fell dead at his nimble fingertips.

“It’s not like you get a fucking blowjob in reward,” Dick commented snidely.

“You’re just pissed ‘cause you haven’t even killed the warlock yet,” Beaver pointed out.

Dick whapped him upside the head. “Like you’re any fucking better.”

“And you wonder why you never get laid…” Logan paused the game and set down the controller, stretching out contentedly and leaning back against the bed.

“So, dude, are you going to fucking tell me?” Dick demanded.

“What’s the point?” Logan picked absentmindedly at a string on his shirt. “You don’t listen to what I _do_ say.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll listen to you, dude.”

“And this is totally not a pajama party.”

“No way, man,” Dick agreed.

Logan let out a long sigh. “Fine.”

Dick leaned in eagerly. Beaver just blushed and pretended like he wasn’t listening at all.

Logan leaned back confidentially, striking up a professorial tone. “There’s this thing called ‘foreplay’…”

“Yeah, yeah, dude, I know,” Dick waved him off.

“…That does not just consist of shoving your hand up some girl’s skirt,” Logan amended.

Dick had the grace to look sheepish. “Fine. Suppose I fucking go down on her. What the hell difference does it make?”

Logan winced, as if in pain. “Dude, you’re a fucking idiot.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Are you gonna tell me?”

“If you make the chick come first—”

“The fuck? Why the fuck should I even care?” Dick demanded.

“Dude, you’re such a dick.”

“Well, duh. So, why the fuck _should_ I care?”

“Because then her hormones will tell her she’s all in love with you, and she’ll let you fuck her,” Logan explained. “Dude, it’s not that difficult a concept.”

Dick considered that for a moment. “That worked on Lilly fucking Kane?”

Logan let out an angry exclamation. “Fuck, no! And don’t talk about her like that!”

“Logan’s in lo-ove,” Beaver sing-songed.

“Shut the fuck _up_ , Beav.” Logan was obliged to come in on the chorus at least once that evening.

“Fuck,” Dick grumbled, considering Logan’s words. “Why can’t chicks just do what they’re fucking _made_ for and just give it up?”

“Also,” Logan added as afterthought, “don’t say shit like that.”

“I can act like a fucking gentleman!” Dick insisted.

Logan and Beaver both raised their eyebrows in perfect time with each other, almost as though they’d choreographed the move in advance.

“I can!”

“Whatever.” Logan picked up the controller again.

“Fuck,” Dick sighed. “I need to get fucking wasted.”

“I wouldn’t say no to some refreshment,” Logan agreed.

“But fucking Sadie’s fucking patrolling the kitchen,” Dick complained.

“Sh-She said she had a council meeting this evening,” Beaver spoke up. “I think she was just heading out…”

Dick perked up. “Really?”

“Go, mighty hunter,” Logan teased. “Find us some booze.”

Dick glared at him. “Fuck you.”

“Fuck you, too.” Logan blew him a little kiss.

Dick’s face flushed again. “Fuck you _all_!” he insisted before storming out to get the beer.

Oh yes. It would be a very long night.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone's curious (stats calculated with [MyTranslator's Word Frequency Counter](http://www.mytranslate.com/wordfrequency.htm)):
> 
> Unique words: 630 Total words: 2410  
> Most common words:  
> Freq. Word  
> 79 THE  
> 79 YOU  
> 74 FUCKING  
> 71 DICK  
> 69 LOGAN  
> 51 FUCK
> 
> Which means that, if you put the 'fuck's and the 'fucking's together, they're the most common word in this fic by _far_. It becomes almost poetic after a while, don't you think?


End file.
